Star wasn't there when I woke up that morning hungover and not
remembering how I got to bed. It wasn't a big deal, I figured
she got up earlier and didn't want to wake me. We were at Jesse's
party last night; it was a crazy scene and I don't remember anything
after midnight. I assumed we managed to stumble back to my dorm
room and pass out. But then I heard the phone ring.
"Hey Dave, it's Star."
"Hey man, what's up? When did you get up this morning? Are you
in your room?"
"No, I guess you blacked out last night. I woke up in the hospital,
I had alcohol poisoning. They pumped my stomach."
"Shit! I'm sorry, are you okay now?"
"Yeah, I feel like I got run over or something, but I'm gonna
be alright and all. But Dave, they called my Dad. He's here right
now; he just went out to get coffee. Dude, he's taking me back
to Jersey and pulling me out of school."
I didn't say anything at first, it took a moment to sink in. "What!
But you're coming back, right, next term or something?"
"No man, it's over, he's sending me to the community college back
home and I have to live with the parents. I tried to convince
him not to. I told him about you and all. That only seemed to
piss him off, though, he said I couldn't see you or any of my
friends at school any more. I'm sorry, man. I don't know what
to do. We're leaving in like fifteen minutes."
I couldn't believe it. Last thing I remembered was having a great
time with Star at the party, doing shots and running around mad
drunk. She was the first and only girl I had ever fallen in love
with, and probably the only one that could ever love me. Now she
was telling me I wouldn't ever see her again.
"This is really fucked up, Star, I don't know what to say. Is
there anything you can do to change his mind?"
"Like what? I guess I can try and sober up and do well in school
at home, and maybe he'll send me back next term. I doubt it, though.
He thinks I'll relapse if I come back here. Shit, he's probably
right. Dad's gonna be here soon, I better get off the phone. I'll
call you as much as I can when I'm home. I'm gonna miss you like
hell, man. I love you."
"I love you, too, Star. I don't know what to say. Bye, I guess."
"Bye."
I put down the phone. My head was still ringing from all the drinking,
it felt like I banged it against a wall or something. I sat down
in the corner of my room and gripped my queasy stomach, and thought
about her.
The first thing I loved about her was that she could drink. I
met her at Alex's dorm party, downing shots of tequila and then
sucking noisily on thick slices of lime to mask the taste. She
was wearing brown slacks and a tie-dye shirt under a small, white,
polyester jacket. Her brown, straight hair was cropped short and
hung over her brow. Flushed cheeks and barely open eyes were the
only signs that she was completely drunk. She wasn't acting loud
and obnoxious, nor was she attacking or falling on any of the
guys that sat in the couches or leaned against the walls. She
just stood with her friends near the half-empty bottles of liquor
that covered Alex's desk and downed shot after shot, talking and
laughing quietly. \
I sat on the couch facing her, sucking down huge gulps of beer
from the clear bottle of Corona in my left hand and inhaling blue
clouds of smoke from the cigarette in my right. I was pretty wasted,
but nothing I wasn't used to. I knew I looked like shit; my eyes
were red and barely open, and my left eyebrow had been shaved
off last week by some drunk after I passed out at a party. I had
spilled half a beer on myself earlier in the night, and I could
still sense the musty smell rising from my shirt. After a minute's
thought I ruled out the possibility of trying to talk to her.
I just watched, infatuated and intensely curious. She glanced
at me a few times, and I quickly pretended to look elsewhere.
When I looked back, the sight of her red cheeks and the drops
of tequila that ran down her chin after each shot made me want
to jump up and kiss her. I couldn't believe the effect she was
having on me, and I was scared. As soon as I tried to talk to
her people would tell her I'm an alcoholic. That was pretty much
the reputation I had around here, and it wasn't far from the truth.
I drank pretty much every night; I couldn't really fall asleep
without some alcohol in my blood. The few times I tried I was
awake all night, throwing my blanket on and off, always feeling
too hot or too cold. I've accepted it now, I always drink at least
a few beers before sleeping. I usually drink more, though, and
on the weekends I often drink until blackout. Don't get me wrong,
I was friends with everyone in the dorm. But the women didn't
ever want to go farther than friendship; I think they were scared
by all my drinking.
So I was sure this girl would never be more than a friend, but
it didn't matter; I was completely infatuated with her. She was
noticeably drunk, now, I could see it in her glazed eyes. My friend
Sue led her to the couch I was sitting on. She fell hard and then
righted herself. She was smiling beautifully, and her long eyelashes
brushed her flushed skin with each blink. I had to introduce myself.
"Hi, my name's Dave. How you doing?" I reached my hand out to
her. \
She lightly grasped it with her soft fingers. "Fine, thanks. Name's
Star. You know, it kinda seemed like you were watching me while
I was standin' over there."
"I was. I was watching you do all that hardcore drinking, damn
impressive. How many shots did you do?"
"I dunno, does it matter? I'm happy drunk. It's all good." She
picked her feet up from the ground and sat cross-legged on the
couch. She was short, probably only a little over five feet, and
she look ridiculously cute curled up in the corner of the red
couch covered in her polyester jacket. \
"So how did you get a name like Star? Hippy parents?"
"Completely Granola. By the time I was born they were your typical
aging 'gone clean' hippies, though, macrobiotic food and holistic
healing types. Whoah! What happened to your eyebrow?" She leaned
over and touched my shaven brow, almost falling on me in the process.
The zipper on her jacket touched my leg as her two fingers brushed
my face, and I shivered. She was too wasted to notice.
"Oh, some bastard was a little less drunk than I was and shaved
it while I was passed out. Hey, how come I've never seen you before?"
The term was only a few weeks old, but I had pretty much met all
the freshmen who partied. \
"I've seen you around before, but I guess we haven't met. I've
been mostly chilling in my room and drinking with my roommate.
I figured these parties would be lame. This one's been fun, though.
Plenty of alcohol." She leaned back into the couch, her eyes almost
completely shut; she looked so beautiful. The party was dwindling.
It was three in the morning on a Wednesday. \
"You look like you're out of it, and you probably don't want to
pass out here. You want me to take you back to your room?" She
looked at me suspiciously, but I think she knew she needed the
help.
"Uh, yeah, I guess. I'm in 304." I got up, taking a moment to
balance myself. I helped Star off the couch, and lightly supporting
her, I took her down the stairs to the third floor and to her
room. \
"Here you go. Hey, there's a party in Mike's room tomorrow night,
he has some big test and wants to celebrate after. " \
She smiled at me; I think she was surprised I wasn't trying to
weasel my way into her room. "Ok, I might be there. Thanks a lot."
She closed the door. I stumbled up the stairs to my room, her
smile seared in my mind. The alcohol worked and I fell asleep
quickly, thinking about her.
The next morning I woke up to the rattling ring of the alarm and
I hit the off button. My whole body ached, and my throat felt
like I had eaten razor blades. I was completely dehydrated and
needed water, but I didn't have the energy to roll out of bed.
I finally got motivated and sat up. After slamming several cups
of water, I grabbed my backpack and stumbled out the door.
I managed to make it to all my classes, though I fell asleep in
half of them. When I was awake I couldn't pay attention; I kept
thinking about Star and that amazing smile. I was relieved when
classes were over and I crashed in my bed for a few hours, sleeping
off the last bits of my hangover. When I woke up the need started
to creep up on me. I was craving the sweet relaxation of a drink.
I knew I had a few hours of studying to do, but I figured a drink
would help me through it. So I mixed a rum and coke and slowly
sipped it as I read chapters in my biology book. After a couple
hours I finished my work and looked up at the clock. It was ten
o'clock and I smiled. Time to get drunk.
I bounded up the stairs to Mike's room and walked in on a small
party, about ten of my friends sitting around drinking keg beer
and smoking cigarettes. A thick cloud of smoke hung in the air.
Ashtrays full of butts and half-full cups of pale beer crowded
the table between the couches. \
"Damn, you guys been smoking up a storm in here. How long you
been drinking?"
"About an hour or so. I fucked up my test, but who cares. It's
over. Grab a beer, sit down." Mike smiled at me and pointed towards
the keg nestled in the corner of the room. \
I filled up cup after cup of Bud, enjoying the feel of the cool
froth sliding down my throat. I socialized some, but mostly I
drank and watched the door, hoping Star would come. People drifted
in and out; the party grew, but Star didn't show. It was midnight
and I was pretty drunk, but it was a good drunk. I felt great,
happy and sociable, though the scene in Mike's room just didn't
seem as enticing as it usually did. I needed to see her. Then
the idea came to me to visit Star's room. I was scared at the
thought; I wasn't usually that bold. In fact, I never really tried
at all with women; I had given that up long ago. It made me feel
slimy, and besides it never worked. But I couldn't stop thinking
about Star, and after all, I could always attribute my boldness
to alcohol. \
I slammed a beer for courage and then walked down the stairs to
her room. After some hesitation I knocked. Star opened the door
and I felt a twinge in my chest. She was wearing baggy carpenter
jeans and a huge, maroon, "phillies blunt" t-shirt. Her hair was
tied back into two cute pigtails. She was totally beautiful, and
I resisted the urge to embrace her right there.
"Hey, what's up? How's Mike's party going?" She asked.
"Not bad, plenty of beer. I was just wondering if you were gonna
come up, I thought maybe you forgot or something." I noticed an
open bottle of rum on her desk. She looked pretty sloshed.
"Oh, I was gonna come up eventually. I just finished doing some
work, I was warming up a bit. Want a shot?" She pointed to the
bottle.
"Sure, why not." I walked into her room and sat on the couch while
she brought over the bottle. She poured two shots, and we clinked
glasses and downed the rum. Its warm burn stung my throat, but
she didn't seem to mind and wasn't using any chaser. I managed
to hide my discomfort.
"Hey, do you wanna go for a walk? It's nice out."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Sure, I'd love to. Should
we bring some beer with us or something?"
She nodded and grabbed an empty two-liter bottle of coke. We took
it to Mike's room and filled it up most of the way with beer.
Then we walked down the stairs and out the back door of the dorm.
The night was cold and crisp. Hundreds of stars spread across
the sky, and the sound of crickets filled the air. I smiled at
Star and we walked down the road, passing the bottle back and
forth and taking swigs. I was pretty sloshed and felt bold and
happy, so I took her hand in mine. Her skin was soft and warm
and felt great in my grip. I couldn't believe this was happening.
"So you're a pretty hardcore drinker, how long you been drinking
like this?" She looked at me, the starlight glinting in her eyes.
"I guess since I came to college two years ago. I got wasted a
few times in high school, but not nearly as often as I do now.
I dunno, it just started as a way to have fun, and it still is.
I mean, I love drinking, it's what I do with my free time. But
I guess I've started to need it, which might not be such a good
thing."
She smiled at me. "I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, we're in
college, I doubt we'll drink like this when we're outta here.
I didn't really start drinking heavily until this summer. I don't
think I really need alcohol yet. But I have the best times drunk.
So fuck it, why not?" She grabbed the bottle from my hand and
took another swig. She was stumbling now. I was half supporting
her with my arm.
The street we were walking down led into the campus park, a large
expanse of freshly mowed grass surrounded by groves of oak trees
and weeping willows. The park had just been watered and the wet
grass glistened in the starlight. \
"Hey, I have an idea. Let's take off our shoes and socks and walk
around in the wet grass. It'll feel nice under our feet," I said.
"That's a great idea!" She let go of my hand and plopped down
on the ground to take off her Converse sneakers.
I couldn't believe how great she was. Most women wouldn't be so
psyched to get their feet cold and wet. My emotions for her were
building up inside me like mad. We wandered around, holding hands
and feeling the wet grass tickle our feet. She fell down a few
times, and I would laugh and pick her up. I couldn't take my eyes
off her smooth, pale skin and her deep, brown eyes. When she fell
again I gave up and fell next to her. We sat cross-legged as the
wet grass soaked our pants; I was too wasted to care. I knew I
should kiss her, but I didn't have the courage. She was too perfect.
How could I be so presumptious and assume that she wanted me?
We sat for an awkward minute or two; we both knew what was going
on and didn't know what to do. Finally I summoned the courage
and asked her.
"Look, I'm really bad at the spontaneous thing, so I'll just ask.
Would you mind if I kissed you?"
She smiled and shook her head, so I leaned over and put my hand
on her cheek and kissed her. She tasted of beer and cigarettes
and it was wonderful. We kissed for a while, and then I held her
tight in my arms. After a while I noticed that she had fallen
asleep on my shoulder, and I watched her sleeping face as she
took long, slow breaths. I gently woke her up, which wasn't easy
in her state, and we stumbled home as I supported her. I put her
in her bed and then passed out on her couch, too drunk and tired
to try and make it to my room. \
When I woke up Star was sitting on a chair next to the couch.
She was already showered and sipping a steaming mug of coffee.
She smiled at me as I shook the sleep out of my head and realized
where I was. A pitcher of water sat on the table, and she gestured
towards it. I got up and started gulping hungrily, feeling the
dehydration start to loosen its tight grip on my throat. \
"You look pretty chipper. Don't you get hangovers?" I asked.
She laughed. "Trust me, I didn't look like this twenty minutes
ago; the shower helped. Yeah, I get hangovers, but not that bad.
You look a bit under the weather yourself."
"I feel like shit, and you were drunker than I was last night.
Damn! Look at the time, I missed my classes. Oh well," I dropped
back on the couch again and held my stomach.
"Not a big deal, I don't really go to classes all that often,
either. My roommate picks up handouts for me. I get by."
So we spent the afternoon together talking about random stuff,
me hungover on the couch and her almost perky in her chair; it
looked like a shrink session. My hangover was creeping away, and
I started to think about what happened last night.
"I don't know if you remember everything last night, but you let
me kiss you." I said.
"I know, it was nice."
"But, I mean, are you interested in me?"
"No, I hate you. That's how I treat my enemies, I make out with
'em."
"But seriously, why are you interested in me? I'm an alcoholic,
and I'm not exactly a great looker. You're the first woman I've
kissed in a long time."
"Give yourself some credit, man, you're one of the most straight
and sincere guys I've ever met. You asked me last night if you
could kiss me. Most guys just lean over and plant it. Besides,
I'm not exactly a light drinker, and I don't want no guy who's
gonna tell me to slow down, or that I've had too much."
"I doubt you'll have that problem with me."
From there things pretty much snowballed, and I spent all the
time I could with her. We'd get together after classes and do
some studying, and then start drinking. We went to parties usually,
though sometimes we'd just drink alone. Eventually we would go
to bed, and somehow make each other wake up for class. It was
a comfortable routine, we had tons of fun together. \
After a few weeks Star brought up the subject of sex. I was a
virgin, and though the thought definitely interested me, I couldn't
bring myself to ask her about it. I'd never really had a relationship
before, and I didn't know how to go about it. So, I figured I'd
just let it slide, I didn't want to mess things up. But then she
started a conversation about it. We'd just finished studying,
and I was about to get the bottle of Smirnoff vodka we bought
last night when she stopped me.
"You know, we've been going out for two weeks, and we haven't
gone much farther than kissing. I'm used to guys pushing for sex
after like two dates. Are you, like, not interested in that or
something?"
I was kind of stunned. "Yeah, I'm interested. I just didn't want
to push you into anything. The thing is, I've kinda never done
that."
"Really? Wow. I've never had sex with anyone I cared about, it
just happened a few times when I was drunk at parties back in
high school. That was when I first started drinking and didn't
handle it as well. I haven't let that happen to me in a long time.
I thought you were gonna try to have sex with me all those nights
we slept together, but you just kissed me and then passed out.
I was beginning to think something was wrong."
"Well, I heard it doesn't work as good when you're drunk," I said.
"Then maybe we shouldn't drink tonight." She looked me straight
in the eyes, and her gaze went right through me. Suddenly, I was
real nervous. "We can bring the bottle to bed with us and drink
afterwards so you can sleep."
I was scared, but really excited. In high school I dreamt about
this moment, I would have done anything to get laid. It was the
ultimate conquest, the act that would make me a man. Now it didn't
feel like that, it wasn't such a big deal. It just felt like it
was the right time for it.
"Sure," I said nervously. "But I don't really know what I'm doing."
She smiled. Then she put her arms around me and kissed me, and
we went to bed and it happened. I thought my first time would
feel like the end of an era, and that I would be totally changed
by it. It wasn't like that at all, but it was wonderful. When
we were done we sat in my bed and drank straight from the bottle,
and then fell asleep holding each other. \
So I couldn't believe she was gone. I'd been sitting there for
hours thinking about her, and I felt a panic start to rise in
me. I already missed her. I'd missed her once before when she
went home for a weekend to visit her parents. That was a rough
couple of days, but at least I knew she was coming back. Now I
didn't what to do, but I definitely couldn't handle this sober.
So I went out and picked up some Bacardi's rum and started drinking
hard and fast. I felt myself start to get sick, so I slowed down
but didn't stop. My stomach was pretty used to the alcohol and
didn't usually cause problems. \
I guess I passed out, because when I woke up it was night outside
and the clock said it was five in the morning. I felt totally
horrible, and my limbs were shaking a bit. I was still a little
drunk. I had to call Star, she was probably home by now. Something
in the back of my mind told me not to call her, but I was desperate.
I needed to hear her voice. \
I picked up the phone and dialed her number. A male voice answered
the phone.
"Hello?" He sounded tired.
"Hey, is Star there?"
"Yeah, but she's asleep. Who is this?"
"It's Dave, a friend from school. I really need to talk to her."
"Are you insane? It's five in the morning, and even if it was
five in the afternoon I wouldn't let you talk to her. Get her
out of your mind, you're never gonna see her again. Goodbye."
I put down the phone. Get her out of my mind? How was I supposed
to do that? I looked towards the bottle of rum but it was empty,
and the liquor stores had all closed long ago. I wasn't going
to be able to sleep. For the first time in my life I was scared,
real scared about my drinking and the rough times ahead, and whether
I could stop myself from drinking until death. Through the window
the night sky was beginning to turn into day, and the last, brightest
stars struggled to shine their last rays of hope. I sat down on
my bed, buried my head in my hands, and waited for the sun to
rise.